I told my therapist that I started the blog. She told me I needed to write down my thoughts and feelings so I could process things. I did. Apparently she wanted something a bit more private. I suppose I may have missed exactly what the point was. In the conversation about my last few weeks (which is WAY too long of a stint between sessions according to every doctor I see) and how I handled all the things, I thought she’d be pleased that I was actually writing things down and reviewing each post and making adjustments/edits.

We talked about how stressed I was with the birthday prep, finally getting results from a biopsy, Spring break, Mr. T, the Cleaver affect, the usual stuff. We had the talk about my self-care and exactly what I was doing. When she asked about my sewing – I didn’t get around to it. My sleep? I’ve been researching survival gear for the post-apocalyptic shit show that I’m positive will happen within the next four years…who has time for sleep? Exercise? Does following kids around to pick up messes count? No. It doesn’t. So why am I so exhausted with life? Oh yeah..that self care bit. Oops.

I did spend time with family. I love them and that’s important to me. But holidays and birthdays are a lot of work and I usually overdo things and spread myself thin trying to please all the people. Apparently that’s not self-care. It’s what I’ve always done.

I did make sure that my boys felt loved and had the support they needed to navigate recess politics, or birthday blues, or just the pains of growing up with a sibling. I may have forgotten to build in some quiet space for me. Apparently that’s not self-care. It’s what I’ve always done though.

I did spend time with friends. I dearly love my friends. They are amazing human beings that make this world we live in a better and brighter place to be. I may have also scheduled that time with them into already over-packed days because I don’t want to say no to any one of them and I do want to get a chance to give them all my hugs and attention. I just adore these folks and it’s not that often we get together. It just happens to happen all at once. Considering the amount of effort it takes to get up and out of bed some days, this isn’t necessarily good self-care.  But it’s what I’ve always done.

I did make sure to go “off duty” with the kiddos a couple of times this weekend so that Daddio could take the reigns and do the mantastic stuff boys need from their dad (or bonus dad). I tend to take over a bit much with the parenting and it’s good for me to step back and know that just because it’s not always done my way, it doesn’t make it wrong. That’s a step in the right direction, right?

I did decline a couple of invitations or reschedule things, even though I REALLY wanted to go and participate in the fun, see the show, and make the music. Those things would have been wonderful and I do feel sad for missing out. I also needed to add in some down-time so that I didn’t get over-stimulated and completely shut down. That’s a step in the right direction, right?

According to my therapist, my writing this blog and then editing those thoughts to fit what I’m comfortable sharing with the world isn’t allowing me to check my thought trends and applaud my progress. I’ll have to think on this.

I do see where she’s coming from though.

I need to edit my processes and not my thoughts. But that’s not something I’ve always done. I can edit work processes to create efficiency and order. I can edit parenting processes to encourage growth and self-esteem while teaching kindness and respect. I just seem to have a rough time re-programming my own personal processes. I suppose this is the whole point to getting some professional help. That’s a step in the right direction, right?

I guess doing what I’ve always done took me down a dark and somewhat unhealthy path.

But that’s what I’ve always done.

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