Today I got a call from Mr T’s school. This is nearly a daily occurrence. He’s hiding again, he’s made a run for it, he swallowed something, his shirt got wet and we can’t calm him down, you know, usual business. Today was a new fun call I wasn’t necessarily prepared for. “You need to come pick T up. He stabbed a kid. In the eye. With a stick.” Expecting the worst, and not a clue what the best I could hope for would be, I made a mad dash, driving like a crazed woman (which I suppose it’s appropriate considering it was me driving) to the expected expulsion and possible sentencing of my child.

First: when one calls a parent with news of stabbings, one should possibly mention the severity of the stab wound and not leave things to the imagination. This shouldn’t have to be said but there it is. Explain how bad the damage caused by Stabby McStabberton is. For example, “the victim will be a shoe-in for the most authentic pirate costume this Halloween”, or “he hit the brain, looks like a lawsuit and assault charge”. You know, basic shit.

Second: when the stabbing occurred as an act of self defense after being jumped by a gang of ner-do-well 3rd grade thugs who were retaliating because T didn’t go through with gang initiation a couple of days ago (true cussing story), mention that. I shouldn’t have to spend 25 minutes thinking my child is turning into a horror flick psycho killer. I can’t like having a child of the corn yo!

And third: playgrounds are like Lord of the Flies. Put some extra supervision in the yard before someone actually does lose an eye. Again, basic shit.

Long story, short (or not). The kid T stabbed ain’t so sweet and can still see with both eyes. And oddly enough, no assault charges and T is still a student at the fine house of learning that is East Stabbington.

I’m thinking of making one of those bumper stickers – “My Aspie kid will stab your asshole kid. In the eye. With a stick.” It’s the next big thing.

Happy Autism Awareness month (tomorrow)!

I need a nap or a dark closet, with wine, and a straw.


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